Relationship Anarchy: What Is It and How to Love Without Hierarchies?
In ethical non-monogamous relationships, few concepts are as liberating and radical as Relationship Anarchy (often called RA). Instead of following pre-packaged rules from monogamy or even common polyamory structures, Relationship Anarchy proposes that every connection be built from scratch, based solely on what the people involved freely desire and negotiate.
The term was popularized by Swedish writer Andie Nordgren in her 2006 “Relationship Anarchy Manifesto.” It applies anarchist principles to interpersonal relationships: full autonomy, rejection of hierarchies, ongoing consent, and the idea that no type of relationship (romantic, sexual, platonic, or familial) is inherently more important than another.
Unlike an “open couple” or a polycule with built-in hierarchy, Relationship Anarchy does not recognize “primary partner,” “secondary,” or “tertiary.” Every connection has its own value and can evolve organically — or not — without social pressure to label, escalate, or prioritize.
How Does Relationship Anarchy Work in Practice?
In Relationship Anarchy, there is no “standard relationship package.” Each bond is unique and follows only the agreements that the people involved create together. This means:
- Deep friendships can carry the same emotional weight as a romantic relationship.
- A sexual connection without romance can be just as meaningful as traditional dating.
- Asexual, aromantic, or celibate people are fully welcomed, because the philosophy does not privilege romantic love or sex.
- There is no obligation to live together, have children, merge finances, or follow any “relationship escalator.”
Common examples include:
- A network of connections where one person has romantic bonds with some and deep platonic bonds with others, with no hierarchy between them.
- Relationships that begin as friendships and develop physical intimacy without ever becoming an “official” partnership.
- Communities where mutual support (shared housing, collective child-rearing, emotional care) emerges horizontally, without a “central couple.”
Many relationship anarchists practice what they call the “smörgåsbord” approach: a buffet of possibilities where each person chooses what they want, with no fixed menu.
Why Do People Feel Drawn to Relationship Anarchy?
The motivations go far beyond non-monogamy and touch on a broader vision of freedom and authenticity:
- Radical autonomy — Each person remains the center of their own life. No one “belongs” to another or has to give up themselves to maintain a connection.
- Rejection of amatonormativity — Society teaches us that romantic (and monogamous) love is the ultimate goal. RA challenges this and values friendships, queerplatonic relationships, and care connections equally.
- Equality and horizontality — Without hierarchies, it reduces the risk of exclusion, institutional jealousy, or “couple privilege.”
- Expanded community and support — Many build “chosen families” based on cooperation rather than possession or obligation.
- Flexibility for all identities — Ideal for people who don’t fit traditional labels, including solo individuals, aspec (asexual/aromantic) people, or those who prefer parallel relationships without labels.
Relationship Anarchy vs. Polyamory: What’s the Difference?
Although they often overlap, they are not the same:
- Polyamory focuses on having multiple ethical romantic/sexual relationships and can include hierarchies (primary/secondary) or structures like triads and quads.
- Relationship Anarchy is broader: it rejects any pre-defined hierarchy, even within polyamory. It can be practiced by someone with only one romantic partner (as long as no imposed norms exist) or by someone with none. It does not rigidly separate “love” from “friendship.”
Many polyamorous people adopt RA principles to make their dynamics more egalitarian, but Relationship Anarchy goes further — it is a political philosophy applied to intimacy.
Healthy Relationship Anarchy vs. Unhealthy Dynamics
A healthy relationship anarchist connection respects:
- The autonomy of every individual (including the freedom to say “no” or leave at any time).
- Ongoing consent and radical communication.
- The absence of rules imposed by third parties or by “the couple.”
- Equal value given to all types of connections.
When manipulation is disguised as “freedom,” there is a lack of emotional responsibility, or RA is used as an excuse to avoid commitments, the dynamic can create insecurity and pain — something the community openly criticizes.
How to Practice Relationship Anarchy with Ethics and Care
If you feel drawn to this way of relating, here are practical steps:
- Start with the basics — Read Andie Nordgren’s “Relationship Anarchy Manifesto” (short and available free online). Other recommended reads: “Relationship Anarchy: The Revolution from Our Bonds” by Juan Carlos Pérez Cortés, and books like “The Ethical Slut” or “Polysecure” with an anarchist lens.
- Communicate expectations from the beginning — Discuss what each person means by freedom, commitment, time, sex, living arrangements, and mutual support. Use tools like the “Relationship Anarchy Smörgåsbord” to map desires and boundaries.
- Work through jealousy and insecurities — Through therapy, self-reflection, and honest conversations. In RA, jealousy is not “proof of love” but an emotion to be cared for collectively.
- Build a support network — Join Brazilian (or international) groups on Relationship Anarchy, non-hierarchical polyamory, or ethical non-monogamy on Telegram, Facebook, or in-person/online events.
- Prioritize ongoing consent — Any relationship can be renegotiated or ended at any time, without guilt or drama.
Relationship Anarchy is not for everyone. It requires emotional maturity, the ability to handle uncertainty, and a willingness to question deep societal norms. But for those who choose this path, it can be one of the most liberating and authentic ways to experience human connection: love without possession, intimacy without control, and community without hierarchy.
